Such Sweet Sorrow

So we're going on a 7 day cruise tomorrow, and I can't sleep. Before getting befuddled by the Bahamas, I wanted to write down just how much I've enjoyed the kids the past few days. Chloe has had some pretty rebellious moments the past few weeks, but I finally forced her to take a nap the other day. Since then, she's been so helpful and grown up. I've enjoyed the moments when she has helped me or done stuff on her own. (Most times I just cringe because it's hard for me to let go of control. Pathetic I know. I hate it!)

Everett came down with a fever the other night (no worries, he's already on the mend). All he wanted was to snuggle with me. I loved it! I love my kids' snuggles more than anything in the world, and it's so rare that they specifically want me. Last night, Everett woke up a couple of times, so I got TONS of snuggles! Chloe woke up too from a totally different ailment. Normally I wouldn't think to snuggle her afterwards because she almost never wants to. But Chad suggested it, so I did. And it was WONDERFUL! It was about midnight, but we just talked quietly, in her especially grown up way - and snuggled. I don't think I've really been able to hold her like that since long before toddlerhood.

So anyway. I'm having a much harder time leaving them than I ever would've expected. Last night I had restless anxiety dreams in the moments between the snuggles. I totally trust Lydia, but she's not me or Chad. So I worry that they'll be sad. I worry that I'll be sad. I worry that they won't be sad and I'll come back feeling totally unnecessary. I've never left the kids overnight with anyone but Chad, and even then I think it was two nights. I hurried home before my post-op sister was even ready because it just felt so not ok for me to be gone... It's weird and I don't like it. I know we'll have tons of fun. I'll stay busy. I'm SO grateful for this opportunity for so much adult time. It's just the actual leaving that stinks!